Surrender to the Sensation.
Staring right back at me, this woman, eyes full of tears. I can see her and I know her, I know what she has walked through. I remember when she felt utter despair and heartbreak, only to rise through it, day by day. When friendships dissolved and hope deferred, she surrendered, I watched her rise. So today, staring into her pain filled eyes, full of hopelessness. I know there will be further surrender, deeper trust, more capacity, stronger and stronger in the surrender. I can’t make the mess go away with magic of any kind. The resiliency that is born through hardship takes time. Sometimes 6o seconds at a time build into an hour survived. What can I offer the mama that is in the middle? The one searching for answers while the needs are a flurry about her all at once. What can I offer? I’m there. I’m staring at my own reflection, gua sha stone in hand, gently pulling and draining away the stagnant pain that I’ve not found time to address. The metaphor all so clearly staring right back at me as I swipe. Her pain is valid, her despair turned into hands raised in worshipful surrender. The refrain repeats. “ Someday I’ll have a couch that fits us all, and if not He is still good. Yes Jesus, you are good. I see it as I wash the dirty dishes from bellies filled once again. Someday I’ll have a car that actually runs, and if not, He is still good. Yes I see it, I have 6 healthy bodies running around making messes, breaking hearts and learning to forgive and love again. Someday I’ll go on vacation, and if not HE IS GOOD.” My daily prayers within these walls, within my own mind, completely surrounded by people but “alone” by the standards of the world because Church isn’t where I go regularly to find Him. I meet Him here. IN my daily callings out to the Lord for help and creativity when my son is outside of his thinking brain, trying only to survive. As I watch him claw and scrape at all of us around, left bleeding and so confused by what could have set him off, I call out. I need you now, not 4 days from now when I might show up to a building, painted face and perfect clothing. I need you now. While I may not receive an epiphany from each desperate cry, breath fills my lungs, heart beats blood throughout, I’m alive. Alive to recognize the life that rest upon us all is grace. It takes a slowness, and awareness. The surrender required forged way back when becoming a mother was brought on by wave after wave of sensational surrender. Taking me deeper ad deeper into myself, trusting the process would bring deliverance. There was no other way through then surrender. I learned then what I need now. Surrender to the sensations of expansion and growth.
Motherhood can fill your head with lies, it can keep you hidden, wrapped inside of the “meaninglessness of tasks". I battle the lies daily. I walk out the backdoor in search of shoes for the trip to the park and I am met with my earlier “Yes,” thrown all over the deck. The kinetic sand I had wanted kept in a closet, instead was playfully thrown about because I said “ yes.” Here it is taunting me, I should have said NO. Stuck to my guns and this mess wouldn’t need me to fix it. I’m always fixing, the perpetual painting of the golden gate is the essence of who I am.
OR is it? The only truth I can live with right now, in the middle of this insanity. The middle of childrearing. In the middle of boys ages 1,2,3,4, 8 &10 the truth is that they are being made into who they will be when they leave these walls. The “yes” I provide goes deeper than messes to make and dinners that take so much longer with little hands making them. My moments of being here with them shows them that GOD, their Maker is here, in the mess. No I am not Jesus, I am the open door through to Him. I can live surrendered so they can SEE Him. I can show them how I cling to His goodness when none of it makes sense. I can express what I am learning in the process. Trusting Him with the outcomes. This is the good news. The Grace we all need to survive, to rise up and fully surrender is found in the magnitude of seeing what God has done. This is what I will stake my life on. I can trust Him in the process. This is why speaking from the inside, from the days before its done is so needed. I know you are in process too. I know the mama that has littles, the one that changes 4 diapers upon rising and can barely get to the toilet herself is in the middle, and we must remember this- WHO DO YOU BELONG TO? The very real truth is the enemy of your soul wants to isolate, shame and make you feel like you are pathetic for needing help. For requiring deliverance from this very challenging threshing floor. My hope is that you can simply take heart. He sees you. He has value for you, and if we all speak up, there will be TRUTH that trumps the lies. We will survive through surrender.
Photo by Lauren Caneles. Adoption is FINAL.
